BIBBLESTUFF: Somewhere to show all the strange pictures and articles i find during my prolonged exposure to the internet. I do not claim to own or have created any of the collected weirdness found here, so there. Well some of them are mine, so take care and leave comments if you can.
Friday, 14 December 2012
I Want
I want to move like Jah people
I want to know if I should stay or go?
I want to know how much sanctuary sells for
I want to find the last piece of the puzzle just to see if it fits
I want to make it so
I want you to like it, if I make you angry
I want to see just how far the rabbit hole goes
I want to be on novelty island
I want to be somewhere else
I want to have all the time in the world
I want to know if it’s safe to surf
I want a wafer thin mint
I want purple underwear
I want spam, spam, spam, spam, eggs, baked beans and spam
I want to be a drug sniffing dog
I want to be sedated
I want to want to break free
I want to be your dog
I want to sit in the greener grass
I want my food to taste like somebody else made it
I want my glass to be more than half full
I want to be in the shade of the octupus’s garden
I want to dream of electric sheep
I want a perfect day, but not Mr Reeds’
I want that sweetest feeling
I want it to be 25 oclock
I want to be in the pond with the big ugly shark
I want to be painting a room in a colourful way
I want a get out of jail free card
I want to get down and jungle boogie
I want to have something I should know
I want a pot to piss in
I want a constant plank
I want to invert reality one molecule at a time
I want to be cooking on gas
I want to be out for lunch
I want a devil in a black dress to watch over
I want to be found wearing clean underwear
I want more willpower
I want just one more day
I want to be dancing bearfoot, heading for a spin
I want it to be snowy in the pond
I want a bippity boppity hat
I want a mystery magical tour
I want to see the bigger picture
I want to see if the grass is any greener
I want to break on through to the other side
I want to kiss the big ugly shark
I want to read Father Mackenzies sermon
I want to tick where it's not applicable
I want to touch without looking
I want brown sauce on my bacon butty
I want THE grand scheme of things
I want to know why Charlie don't surt
I want the return of the los palmas seven
I want black ink on white paper
I want to know if Sgt Rock is going to help me
I want more of what I don't have
I want groove in my heart
I want to strip down the barriers and get to know the real you inside
I want to turn it up to 11
I want my pot to piss in
I want to go home
I want to teach the world to sing in diatonic harmony
I want to be sitting on the rock in the hard place
I want to git down
I want to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight
I want that one
I Am
I am contrary to popular opinion
I am always always found above sea level
I am an understudy for myself
I am who I am, not who I am wearing
I am indifferent, yet compliant
I am the universe made manifest, trying to figure itself out
I am one small piece of a larger puzzle
I am me, not you
I am pink, fleshy and taste of pork
I am my father
I am scared of nothing, yet apprehensive of change
I am a traveler in both space and time
I am carbon based, yet mostly of water
I am Pope Bibbletang the first
I am not always here
I am a fan, not a fanatic
I am improbable
I am not the Anarchist, nor the Antichrist
I am immortal til I die
I am capable of many things, yet incapable of writing all of them down
I am not my fucking khakis
I am the result of millions of years of evolution
I am a number, many numbers
I am a punchline in the joke of life
I am in practice for the real thing
I am my own worst enemy
I am a maker of lists
I am the Donkey Headed Advissary Of Humankind (sometimes)
I am not always who I appear to be
I am attempting to invert reality with an egg whisk and string
I am now, not then
I am morefishlike than my parents
I am playing fatty’s game
I am a meaning of life
I am Spartacus
I am the other in which the town is not big enough
I am guilty of some things but not others
I am subject to my reality
I am not who I was to grow up to be
I am participating in my future self
I am in the past, present and future
I am black with one sugar
I am conscious of my subconsciuos
I am subtextual
I am simultaneous
I am freeing radicles
I am starting so will be finishing
I am uncertain about Heisenberg
I am thinking about the box
I am Wally, so where am I?
I am a godless heathen
I am something but mostly nothing
I am within accepted parameters
I am intolerant of intolerance
I am a tiny part of the universe, trying to figure itself out
I am a remnant of the big bang
I am available in HD by subscription only
I am stepping cautiously into an assumption
I am wondering if that's the way we all go
I am making way for the big ship
I am making notes for future reference
I am capable of so many things, but cannot be bothered
I am repeating myself, repeating myself
I am dreaming of solar powered sheep
I am in my own DRS activation zone
I am not sure if I am evolving or revolving
I am devoid of voids
I am plural in my singularity
I am playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order
I am dipping my foot in the pool, but not wanting to swim
I am a replica of my former self
I am an Egyptian, walk like me
I am waiting for the hammer to fall
I am the product of a million years of evolution, and an act of love
I am fully able to flush a toilet, why can't you
I am Death By Osmosis
I am marinating in my own juices
I am my own personal Jesus
I am filling my own shoes
I am wearing odd socks and have another pair just like them at home
I am eating the sandwich that my makes my picnic one short
I am starting, but not always finishing
I am on a black list of my own making
I am making it up as I go along
I am in need of a thneed
I am testing
I am reading the riot act to myself
I am not the eggman nor have i ever been the walrus
I am a former vegetarian.......hmmm bacon
I am the owner of a portable smile
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Tricks of the body
TRICKS OF THE BODY
1. If your throat tickles, scratch your ear.
When you were 9, playing your armpit was a cool trick. Now, as an adult, you can still appreciate a good body-based feat, but you’re more discriminating. Take that tickle in your throat; it’s not worth gagging over. Here’s a better way to scratch your itch: “When the nerves in the ear are stimulated, it creates a reflex in the throat that can cause a muscle spasm,” says Scott Schaffer, M.D., president of an ear, nose and throat specialty center in Gibbsboro, New Jersey. “This spasm relieves the tickle.”
2. Experience supersonic hearing!
If you’re stuck chatting up a mumbler at a cocktail party, lean in with your right ear. It’s better than your left at following the rapid rhythms of speech, according to researchers at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine. If, on the other hand, you’re trying to identify that song playing softly in the elevator, turn your left ear toward the sound. The left ear is better at picking up music tones.
3. Overcome your most primal urge!
Need to pee? No bathroom nearby? Fantasize about Jessica Simpson. Thinking about sex preoccupies your brain, so you won’t feel as much discomfort, says Larry Lipshultz, M.D., chief of male reproductive medicine at the Baylor College of Medicine. For best results, try Simpson’s “These Boots Are Made for Walking” video.
4. Feel no pain!
German researchers have discovered that coughing during an injection can lessen the pain of the needle stick. According to Taras Usichenko, author of a study on the phenomenon, the trick causes a sudden, temporary rise in pressure in the chest and spinal canal, inhibiting the pain-conducting structures of the spinal cord.
5. Clear your stuffed nose!
Forget Sudafed. An easier, quicker, and cheaper way to relieve sinus pressure is by alternately thrusting your tongue against the roof of your mouth, then pressing between your eyebrows with one finger. This causes the vomer bone, which runs through the nasal passages to the mouth, to rock back and forth, says Lisa DeStefano, D.O., an assistant professor at the Michigan State University college of osteopathic medicine. The motion loosens congestion; after 20 seconds, you’ll feel your sinuses start to drain.
6. Fight fire without water!
Worried those wings will repeat on you tonight? “Sleep on your left side,” says Anthony A. Star-poli, M.D., a New York City gastroenterologist and assistant professor of medicine at New York Medical College. Studies have shown that patients who sleep on their left sides are less likely to suffer from acid reflux. The esophagus and stomach connect at an angle. When you sleep on your right, the stomach is higher than the esophagus, allowing food and stomach acid to slide up your throat. When you’re on your left, the stomach is lower than the esophagus, so gravity’s in your favor.
7. Cure your toothache without opening your mouth!
Just rub ice on the back of your hand, on the V-shaped webbed area between your thumb and index finger. A Canadian study found that this technique reduces toothache pain by as much as 50 percent compared with using no ice. The nerve pathways at the base of that V stimulate an area of the brain that blocks pain signals from the face and hands.
8. Make burns disappear!
When you accidentally singe your finger on the stove, clean the skin and apply light pressure with the finger pads of your unmarred hand. Ice will relieve your pain more quickly, Dr. DeStefano says, but since the natural method brings the burned skin back to a normal temperature, the skin is less likely to blister.
9. Stop the world from spinning!
One too many drinks left you dizzy? Put your hand on something stable. The part of your ear responsible for balance—the cupula—floats in a fluid of the same density as blood. “As alcohol dilutes blood in the cupula, the cupula becomes less dense and rises,” says Dr. Schaffer. This confuses your brain. The tactile input from a stable object gives the brain a second opinion, and you feel more in balance. Because the nerves in the hand are so sensitive, this works better than the conventional foot-on-the-floor wisdom.
10. Unstitch your side!
If you’re like most people, when you run, you exhale as your right foot hits the ground. This puts downward pressure on your liver (which lives on your right side), which then tugs at the diaphragm and creates a side stitch, according to The Doctors Book of Home Remedies for Men. The fix: Exhale as your left foot strikes the ground.
11. Stanch blood with a single finger!
Pinching your nose and leaning back is a great way to stop a nosebleed—if you don’t mind choking on your own O positive. A more civil approach: Put some cotton on your upper gums—just behind that small dent below your nose—and press against it, hard. “Most bleeds come from the front of the septum, the cartilage wall that divides the nose,” says Peter Desmarais, M.D., an ear, nose, and throat specialist at Entabeni Hospital, in Durban, South Africa. “Pressing here helps stop them.”
12. Make your heart stand still!
Trying to quell first-date jitters? Blow on your thumb. The vagus nerve, which governs heart rate, can be controlled through breathing, says Ben Abo, an emergency medical-services specialist at the University of Pittsburgh. It’ll get your heart rate back to normal.
13. Thaw your brain!
Too much Chipwich too fast will freeze the brains of lesser men. As for you, press your tongue flat against the roof of your mouth, covering as much as you can. “Since the nerves in the roof of your mouth get extremely cold, your body thinks your brain is freezing, too,” says Abo. “In compensating, it overheats, causing an ice-cream headache.” The more pressure you apply to the roof of your mouth, the faster your headache will subside.
14. Prevent near-sightedness!
Poor distance vision is rarely caused by genetics, says Anne Barber, O.D., an optometrist in Tacoma, Washington. “It’s usually caused by near-point stress.” In other words, staring at your computer screen for too long. So flex your way to 20/20 vision. Every few hours during the day, close your eyes, tense your body, take a deep breath, and, after a few seconds, release your breath and muscles at the same time. Tightening and releasing muscles such as the biceps and glutes can trick involuntary muscles—like the eyes—into relaxing as well.
15. Wake the dead!
If your hand falls asleep while you’re driving or sitting in an odd position, rock your head from side to side. It’ll painlessly banish your pins and needles in less than a minute, says Dr. DeStefano. A tingly hand or arm is often the result of compression in the bundle of nerves in your neck; loosening your neck muscles releases the pressure. Compressed nerves lower in the body govern the feet, so don’t let your sleeping dogs lie. Stand up and walk around.
16. Impress your friends!
Next time you’re at a party, try this trick: Have a person hold one arm straight out to the side, palm down, and instruct him to maintain this position. Then place two fingers on his wrist and push down. He’ll resist. Now have him put one foot on a surface that’s a half inch higher (a few magazines) and repeat. This time his arm will fold like a house of cards. By misaligning his hips, you’ve offset his spine, says Rachel Cosgrove, C.S.C.S., co-owner of Results Fitness, in Santa Clarita, California. Your brain senses that the spine is vulnerable, so it shuts down the body’s ability to resist.
17. Breathe underwater!
If you’re dying to retrieve that quarter from the bottom of the pool, take several short breaths first—essentially, hyperventilate. When you’re underwater, it’s not a lack of oxygen that makes you desperate for a breath; it’s the buildup of carbon dioxide, which makes your blood acidic, which signals your brain that somethin’ ain’t right. “When you hyperventilate, the influx of oxygen lowers blood acidity,” says Jonathan Armbruster, Ph.D., an associate professor of biology at Auburn University. “This tricks your brain into thinking it has more oxygen.” It’ll buy you up to 10 seconds.
18. Read minds!
Your own! “If you’re giving a speech the next day, review it before falling asleep,” says Candi Heimgartner, an instructor of biological sciences at the University of Idaho. Since most memory consolidation happens during sleep, anything you read right before bed is more likely to be encoded as long-term memory.
Saturday, 14 November 2009
Bread Is Dangerous
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average North American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 240 degrees Celsius! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average North American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 240 degrees Celsius! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
Universal Truths
Universal truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Steven Wright.........
* "Did you sleep good?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
* "So, do you live around here often?"
* A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
* A while ago, I left my apartment building and walked my dog... on the ledge. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
* About a year ago, my girlfriend was on the pill, wearing a diaphragm, and an IUD all at once. Recently, she had a baby; baby was born wearing armor.
* After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
* All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
* All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
* Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
* Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
* Do you think when they asked George Washington for his ID, he just pulled out a quarter?
* Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
* For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
* For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...then I put wax in the humidifier...now my room's all shiny.
* George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.
* I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He's much smarter now... Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.
* I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there, but I can't leave.
* I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record had a skip. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
* I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
* I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Mine's a bit different, though. Mine has a little plow that comes out and does the roads.
* (a few minutes later) I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.
* I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
* I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
* I can levitate birds. No one cares.
* I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a right." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a left. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
* I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
* I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
* I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
* I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
* I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one—it wasn't doing what I was doing.
* I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
* I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
* I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
* I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
* I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
* I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.
* I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
* I have a box of powdered water. I never know what to add.
* I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
* I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
* I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
* I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
* I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
* I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
* I invented the cordless extension cord.
* I just lost a buttonhole. [while looking at stage floor]
* I know a man who is a midget dwarf, he's this tall. [holding his thumb and forefinger three inches apart] He poses for trophies.
* I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the white part.
* I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
* I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
* I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
* I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright; I was still inside.
* I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
* I mix my water myself—two parts H and one part O.
* I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
* I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
* I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
* I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
* I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
* I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
* I recently got a new camera. It's so advanced, you don't even need it.
* I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
* I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
* I saw a friend recently. He asked why I hadn't called him. I told him I can't call everyone I want because my new phone has no 5 on it. He asked me how long I had had the phone, but I couldn't tell him because my calendar has no sevens on it.
* I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
* I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
* I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
* I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
* I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and seven people died.
* I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
* I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
* I want to get a full body tattoo of myself, only bigger.
* I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
* I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
* I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
* I was cleaning out my closet and I found this old bathing suit I'd made out of sponges. I remember when I wore it to the pool. Then I left, and no one could go swimming until I came back.
* I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
* I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
* I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a car that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't think I want to work for you."
* I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
* I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
* I was reading the dictionary; I thought it was a poem about everything.
* I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
* I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
* I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
* I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
* I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
* I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
* I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
* I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
* I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"
* I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
* I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
* I wish, when I was born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."
* I woke up one day and everything in the apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I said to my roommate "Can you believe this? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
* I worked as a parking attendant at Logan Airport, I parked jets. They had to let me go though because I kept locking the keys in them. One day I was on an 86 foot stepladder trying to get in the window with a coat hanger.
* I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
* I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
* I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
* I'm a very difficult size to shop for; I'm an extra-medium.
* I'm going to court next week. I've been selected for jury duty. It's kind of an insane case -- 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant. I don't think they did it.
* I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
* I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
* I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. When it's finished I'm going to sue myself.
* Imagine how deep the sea would be if there weren't any sponges.
* In my new house there's a switch on the wall that doesn't do anything, so for fun I'd just flick it up and down, over and over. Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany. It just said, "Cut it out."
* I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas. I just think about it.
* I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people that live above me are furious.
* It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
* Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
* Last year me and my friend George drove across the country. We switched every half mile. We only had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I can't remember what it was.
* Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So when I'm waiting in her office I eat an entire bag of Oreo cookies. Sometimes she has to cancel all her other appointments.
* My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."
* My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
* My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
* My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
* My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
* My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
* My uncle was a clown for Ringling Bros. Circus, and when he died, all his friends came in one car.
* My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
* Next week I'm going to have an MRI to find out if I have claustrophobia.
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* One day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
* One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
* One time I woke up in the middle of the night and I was hungry. I went to the convenience store and noticed it was closed. The sign said "Open 24 hours" and there was a guy locking the door. I said "Hey, your sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Not in a row!"
* One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. My neighbors called the police. They thought there was lightning in my house.
* Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
* The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter
* The other day I bought a decaffeinated coffee table.
* The other day I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.
* The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
* The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.
* The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my apartment door with my car keys. So the building started up... So, I drove it around for a while. I guess I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked me where I lived. I said, "right here, officer." Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
* There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
* There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
* They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...
* This isn't all true.
* Tinsel is really snake mirrors.
* Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
* Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
* Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
* When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
* When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
* When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
* When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
* When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
* When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing.
* Winnie and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
* Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
* You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
* You know that feeling when you're leaning back in a chair, and then you lean back too far and start to fall and just at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* (In his usual dry, monotone voice) "Thanks."
* The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
* If you're going to shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?
* My friend Sally is a nudist. I went over to her house. There were no doors on the closets. The walls were covered with see-through wallpaper.
* Sally plays strip-poker. Every time she loses she has to put on a piece of clothing.
* "So, do you live around here often?"
* A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
* A while ago, I left my apartment building and walked my dog... on the ledge. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
* About a year ago, my girlfriend was on the pill, wearing a diaphragm, and an IUD all at once. Recently, she had a baby; baby was born wearing armor.
* After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
* All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
* All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
* Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
* Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
* Do you think when they asked George Washington for his ID, he just pulled out a quarter?
* Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
* For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
* For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...then I put wax in the humidifier...now my room's all shiny.
* George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.
* I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He's much smarter now... Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.
* I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there, but I can't leave.
* I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record had a skip. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
* I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
* I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Mine's a bit different, though. Mine has a little plow that comes out and does the roads.
* (a few minutes later) I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.
* I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
* I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
* I can levitate birds. No one cares.
* I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a right." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a left. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
* I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
* I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
* I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
* I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
* I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one—it wasn't doing what I was doing.
* I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
* I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
* I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
* I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
* I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
* I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.
* I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
* I have a box of powdered water. I never know what to add.
* I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
* I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
* I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
* I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
* I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
* I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
* I invented the cordless extension cord.
* I just lost a buttonhole. [while looking at stage floor]
* I know a man who is a midget dwarf, he's this tall. [holding his thumb and forefinger three inches apart] He poses for trophies.
* I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the white part.
* I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
* I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
* I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
* I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright; I was still inside.
* I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
* I mix my water myself—two parts H and one part O.
* I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
* I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
* I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
* I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
* I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
* I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
* I recently got a new camera. It's so advanced, you don't even need it.
* I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
* I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
* I saw a friend recently. He asked why I hadn't called him. I told him I can't call everyone I want because my new phone has no 5 on it. He asked me how long I had had the phone, but I couldn't tell him because my calendar has no sevens on it.
* I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
* I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
* I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
* I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
* I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and seven people died.
* I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
* I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
* I want to get a full body tattoo of myself, only bigger.
* I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
* I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
* I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
* I was cleaning out my closet and I found this old bathing suit I'd made out of sponges. I remember when I wore it to the pool. Then I left, and no one could go swimming until I came back.
* I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
* I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
* I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a car that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't think I want to work for you."
* I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
* I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
* I was reading the dictionary; I thought it was a poem about everything.
* I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
* I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
* I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
* I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
* I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
* I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
* I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
* I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
* I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"
* I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
* I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
* I wish, when I was born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."
* I woke up one day and everything in the apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I said to my roommate "Can you believe this? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
* I worked as a parking attendant at Logan Airport, I parked jets. They had to let me go though because I kept locking the keys in them. One day I was on an 86 foot stepladder trying to get in the window with a coat hanger.
* I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
* I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
* I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
* I'm a very difficult size to shop for; I'm an extra-medium.
* I'm going to court next week. I've been selected for jury duty. It's kind of an insane case -- 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant. I don't think they did it.
* I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
* I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
* I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. When it's finished I'm going to sue myself.
* Imagine how deep the sea would be if there weren't any sponges.
* In my new house there's a switch on the wall that doesn't do anything, so for fun I'd just flick it up and down, over and over. Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany. It just said, "Cut it out."
* I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas. I just think about it.
* I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people that live above me are furious.
* It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
* Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
* Last year me and my friend George drove across the country. We switched every half mile. We only had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I can't remember what it was.
* Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So when I'm waiting in her office I eat an entire bag of Oreo cookies. Sometimes she has to cancel all her other appointments.
* My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."
* My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
* My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
* My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
* My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
* My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
* My uncle was a clown for Ringling Bros. Circus, and when he died, all his friends came in one car.
* My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
* Next week I'm going to have an MRI to find out if I have claustrophobia.
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* One day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
* One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
* One time I woke up in the middle of the night and I was hungry. I went to the convenience store and noticed it was closed. The sign said "Open 24 hours" and there was a guy locking the door. I said "Hey, your sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Not in a row!"
* One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. My neighbors called the police. They thought there was lightning in my house.
* Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
* The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter
* The other day I bought a decaffeinated coffee table.
* The other day I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.
* The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
* The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.
* The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my apartment door with my car keys. So the building started up... So, I drove it around for a while. I guess I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked me where I lived. I said, "right here, officer." Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
* There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
* There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
* They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...
* This isn't all true.
* Tinsel is really snake mirrors.
* Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
* Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
* Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
* When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
* When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
* When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
* When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
* When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
* When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing.
* Winnie and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
* Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
* You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
* You know that feeling when you're leaning back in a chair, and then you lean back too far and start to fall and just at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* (In his usual dry, monotone voice) "Thanks."
* The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
* If you're going to shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?
* My friend Sally is a nudist. I went over to her house. There were no doors on the closets. The walls were covered with see-through wallpaper.
* Sally plays strip-poker. Every time she loses she has to put on a piece of clothing.
Sarcastic Quotes For Everyday Use
1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
10. Ahhhh .. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh, I get it…like humor…but different.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
10. Ahhhh .. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh, I get it…like humor…but different.
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