* "So, do you live around here often?"
* A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
* A while ago, I left my apartment building and walked my dog... on the ledge. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
* About a year ago, my girlfriend was on the pill, wearing a diaphragm, and an IUD all at once. Recently, she had a baby; baby was born wearing armor.
* After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
* All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
* All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
* Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
* Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
* Do you think when they asked George Washington for his ID, he just pulled out a quarter?
* Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
* For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
* For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...then I put wax in the humidifier...now my room's all shiny.
* George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.
* I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He's much smarter now... Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.
* I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there, but I can't leave.
* I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record had a skip. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
* I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
* I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Mine's a bit different, though. Mine has a little plow that comes out and does the roads.
* (a few minutes later) I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.
* I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
* I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
* I can levitate birds. No one cares.
* I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a right." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a left. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
* I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
* I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
* I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
* I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
* I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one—it wasn't doing what I was doing.
* I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
* I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
* I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
* I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
* I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
* I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.
* I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
* I have a box of powdered water. I never know what to add.
* I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
* I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
* I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
* I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
* I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
* I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
* I invented the cordless extension cord.
* I just lost a buttonhole. [while looking at stage floor]
* I know a man who is a midget dwarf, he's this tall. [holding his thumb and forefinger three inches apart] He poses for trophies.
* I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the white part.
* I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
* I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
* I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
* I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright; I was still inside.
* I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
* I mix my water myself—two parts H and one part O.
* I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
* I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
* I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
* I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
* I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
* I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
* I recently got a new camera. It's so advanced, you don't even need it.
* I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
* I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
* I saw a friend recently. He asked why I hadn't called him. I told him I can't call everyone I want because my new phone has no 5 on it. He asked me how long I had had the phone, but I couldn't tell him because my calendar has no sevens on it.
* I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
* I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
* I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
* I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
* I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and seven people died.
* I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
* I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
* I want to get a full body tattoo of myself, only bigger.
* I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
* I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
* I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
* I was cleaning out my closet and I found this old bathing suit I'd made out of sponges. I remember when I wore it to the pool. Then I left, and no one could go swimming until I came back.
* I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
* I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
* I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a car that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't think I want to work for you."
* I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
* I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
* I was reading the dictionary; I thought it was a poem about everything.
* I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
* I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
* I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
* I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
* I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
* I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
* I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
* I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
* I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"
* I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
* I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
* I wish, when I was born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."
* I woke up one day and everything in the apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I said to my roommate "Can you believe this? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
* I worked as a parking attendant at Logan Airport, I parked jets. They had to let me go though because I kept locking the keys in them. One day I was on an 86 foot stepladder trying to get in the window with a coat hanger.
* I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
* I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
* I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
* I'm a very difficult size to shop for; I'm an extra-medium.
* I'm going to court next week. I've been selected for jury duty. It's kind of an insane case -- 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant. I don't think they did it.
* I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
* I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
* I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. When it's finished I'm going to sue myself.
* Imagine how deep the sea would be if there weren't any sponges.
* In my new house there's a switch on the wall that doesn't do anything, so for fun I'd just flick it up and down, over and over. Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany. It just said, "Cut it out."
* I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas. I just think about it.
* I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people that live above me are furious.
* It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
* Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
* Last year me and my friend George drove across the country. We switched every half mile. We only had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I can't remember what it was.
* Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So when I'm waiting in her office I eat an entire bag of Oreo cookies. Sometimes she has to cancel all her other appointments.
* My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."
* My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
* My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
* My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
* My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
* My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
* My uncle was a clown for Ringling Bros. Circus, and when he died, all his friends came in one car.
* My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
* Next week I'm going to have an MRI to find out if I have claustrophobia.
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* One day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
* One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
* One time I woke up in the middle of the night and I was hungry. I went to the convenience store and noticed it was closed. The sign said "Open 24 hours" and there was a guy locking the door. I said "Hey, your sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Not in a row!"
* One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. My neighbors called the police. They thought there was lightning in my house.
* Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
* The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter
* The other day I bought a decaffeinated coffee table.
* The other day I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.
* The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
* The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.
* The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my apartment door with my car keys. So the building started up... So, I drove it around for a while. I guess I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked me where I lived. I said, "right here, officer." Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
* There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
* There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
* They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...
* This isn't all true.
* Tinsel is really snake mirrors.
* Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
* Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
* Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
* When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
* When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
* When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
* When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
* When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
* When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing.
* Winnie and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
* Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
* You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
* You know that feeling when you're leaning back in a chair, and then you lean back too far and start to fall and just at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* (In his usual dry, monotone voice) "Thanks."
* The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
* If you're going to shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?
* My friend Sally is a nudist. I went over to her house. There were no doors on the closets. The walls were covered with see-through wallpaper.
* Sally plays strip-poker. Every time she loses she has to put on a piece of clothing.