Saturday, 30 August 2008

Band Names

Chumbawamba: According to the bands official FAQ the name
doesn’t mean anything. However, there have been several explanations
about how the name came to be. One of them is (according to a Pop-Up
Video on VH1) that “Chumbawamba” is derived from a dream that one of
the members had, where doors of public toilet had signs which said
“Chumba” and “Wamba” instead of “Men” and “Women”.

Goo Goo Dolls: The band was founded under the name “Sex
Maggots” but a club owner who booked the band requested they change the
name, because the local newspapers wouldn’t print that name. So, they
picked a name out of a magazine ad for a doll that cried Goo Goo when
you turned it upside down.

Jethro Tull: Named after an English agriculturist who invented the seed drill.

Lynyrd Skynyrd: Named after Leonard Skinner, who was an
annoying gym teacher/coach some of the band members had in Robert E.
Lee High School in Jacksonville, Florida.

Mothers Of Invention: Frank Zappa’s band started out as “The
Soul Giants” and was later changed to “The Mothers” but their record
label asked them to change it because it could be taken as an
obscenity. So, out of necessity they added “of Invention” as “necessity
is the mother of invention.”

Beastie Boys: “Beastie” is said to have originally stood as
an acronym for “Boys Entering Anarchistic States Toward Internal
Excellence”. However, according to Mike D and MCA on the Charlie Rose
Show, August 28, 2007, this was an afterthought once the band was
already named “Beastie Boys”.

The Doors: The band took their name from Aldous Huxley’s book
“The Doors of Perception” which in turn was inspired by a line from
William Blake’s poem: “If the doors of perception were to be cleansed
every thing would appear to man as it is: infinite”.

Heaven 17: The name is taken from a fictional band mentioned in Anthony Burgess’s book “A Clockwork Orange”.

UB40: Took their name from a paper form “Unemployment
Benefit, Form 40″ issued by the UK government’s Department of Health
and Social Security which is now replaced by Department for Work and
Pensions (DWP), and the form UB40 no longer exists.

Weezer: There’s a widespread belief that Rivers Cuomo was
nicknamed Weezer in school because he made weezing sounds caused by his
asthma. Actually he never had asthma. However, Weezer has been claimed
to be a nickname of Rivers’. Actually, there doesn’t seem to be exact
explanation what the name really means. Anyway, the band needed a name
and Rivers came up with one. (According to the fansite Weezer101).

Led Zeppelin: After a concert Keith Moon, the drummer of The
Who, said to Jimmy Page that his new band will fly like a lead
zeppelin, in other words it will not survive. The “a” from “lead” was
dropped so people woudn’t pronounce it as leed.

funny pics 1

The Truth ????

Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

Steven Wright Quotes

* "Did you sleep good?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
* "So, do you live around here often?"
* A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
* A while ago, I left my apartment building and walked my dog... on the ledge. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
* About a year ago, my girlfriend was on the pill, wearing a diaphragm, and an IUD all at once. Recently, she had a baby; baby was born wearing armor.
* After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
* All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
* All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
* Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
* Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
* Do you think when they asked George Washington for his ID, he just pulled out a quarter?
* Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch feels real."
* For a while I didn't have a car...I had a place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
* For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...then I put wax in the my room's all shiny.
* George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.
* I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He's much smarter now... Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.
* I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there, but I can't leave.
* I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record had a skip. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
* I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
* I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Mine's a bit different, though. Mine has a little plow that comes out and does the roads.
* (a few minutes later) I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.
* I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
* I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
* I can levitate birds. No one cares.
* I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a right." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a left. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
* I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
* I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
* I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
* I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
* I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one—it wasn't doing what I was doing.
* I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
* I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
* I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
* I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
* I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
* I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.
* I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
* I have a box of powdered water. I never know what to add.
* I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
* I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
* I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
* I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
* I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
* I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
* I invented the cordless extension cord.
* I just lost a buttonhole. [while looking at stage floor]
* I know a man who is a midget dwarf, he's this tall. [holding his thumb and forefinger three inches apart] He poses for trophies.
* I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the white part.
* I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
* I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
* I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
* I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright; I was still inside.
* I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
* I mix my water myself—two parts H and one part O.
* I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
* I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
* I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
* I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
* I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
* I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
* I recently got a new camera. It's so advanced, you don't even need it.
* I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
* I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
* I saw a friend recently. He asked why I hadn't called him. I told him I can't call everyone I want because my new phone has no 5 on it. He asked me how long I had had the phone, but I couldn't tell him because my calendar has no sevens on it.
* I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
* I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
* I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
* I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
* I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and seven people died.
* I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
* I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
* I want to get a full body tattoo of myself, only bigger.
* I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
* I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
* I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
* I was cleaning out my closet and I found this old bathing suit I'd made out of sponges. I remember when I wore it to the pool. Then I left, and no one could go swimming until I came back.
* I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
* I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
* I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a car that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't think I want to work for you."
* I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
* I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
* I was reading the dictionary; I thought it was a poem about everything.
* I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
* I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
* I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
* I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
* I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
* I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
* I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
* I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
* I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"
* I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
* I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
* I wish, when I was born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."
* I woke up one day and everything in the apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I said to my roommate "Can you believe this? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
* I worked as a parking attendant at Logan Airport, I parked jets. They had to let me go though because I kept locking the keys in them. One day I was on an 86 foot stepladder trying to get in the window with a coat hanger.
* I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
* I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
* I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
* I'm a very difficult size to shop for; I'm an extra-medium.
* I'm going to court next week. I've been selected for jury duty. It's kind of an insane case -- 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant. I don't think they did it.
* I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
* I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
* I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. When it's finished I'm going to sue myself.
* Imagine how deep the sea would be if there weren't any sponges.
* In my new house there's a switch on the wall that doesn't do anything, so for fun I'd just flick it up and down, over and over. Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany. It just said, "Cut it out."
* I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas. I just think about it.
* I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people that live above me are furious.
* It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
* Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
* Last year me and my friend George drove across the country. We switched every half mile. We only had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I can't remember what it was.
* Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So when I'm waiting in her office I eat an entire bag of Oreo cookies. Sometimes she has to cancel all her other appointments.
* My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."
* My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
* My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
* My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
* My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
* My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
* My uncle was a clown for Ringling Bros. Circus, and when he died, all his friends came in one car.
* My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
* Next week I'm going to have an MRI to find out if I have claustrophobia.
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* One day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
* One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
* One time I woke up in the middle of the night and I was hungry. I went to the convenience store and noticed it was closed. The sign said "Open 24 hours" and there was a guy locking the door. I said "Hey, your sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Not in a row!"
* One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. My neighbors called the police. They thought there was lightning in my house.
* Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
* The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter
* The other day I bought a decaffeinated coffee table.
* The other day I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.
* The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
* The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.
* The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my apartment door with my car keys. So the building started up... So, I drove it around for a while. I guess I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked me where I lived. I said, "right here, officer." Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
* There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
* There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
* They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...
* This isn't all true.
* Tinsel is really snake mirrors.
* Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
* Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
* Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
* When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
* When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
* When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
* When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
* When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
* When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing.
* Winnie and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
* Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
* You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
* You know that feeling when you're leaning back in a chair, and then you lean back too far and start to fall and just at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* (In his usual dry, monotone voice) "Thanks."
* The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
* If you're going to shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?
* My friend Sally is a nudist. I went over to her house. There were no doors on the closets. The walls were covered with see-through wallpaper.
* Sally plays strip-poker. Every time she loses she has to put on a piece of clothing.

Perfect sarcasm

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
10. Ahhhh .. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh, I get it…like humor…but different.

Jesus vs Horus

1. Both were conceived of a virgin.

2. Both were the "only begotten son" of a god (either Osiris or Yahweh)

3. Horus's mother was Meri, Jesus's mother was Mary.

4. Horus's foster father was called Jo-Seph, and Jesus's foster father was Joseph.

5. Both foster fathers were of royal descent.

6. Both were born in a cave (although sometimes Jesus is said to have been born in a stable).

7. Both had their coming announced to their mother by an angel.

8. Horus; birth was heralded by the star Sirius (the morning star). Jesus had his birth heralded by a star in the East (the sun rises in the East).

9. Ancient Egyptians celebrated the birth of Horus on December 21 (the Winter Solstice). Modern Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus on December 25.

10. Both births were announced by angels (this si nto the same as number 7).

11. Both had shepherds witnessing the birth.

12. Horus was visited at birth by "three solar deities" and Jesus was visited by "three wise men".

13. After the birth of Horus, Herut tried to have Horus murdered. After the birth of Jesus, Herod tried to have Jesus murdered.

14. To hide from Herut, the god That tells Isis, "Come, thou goddess Isis, hide thyself with thy child." To hide from Herod, an angel tells Joseph to "arise and take the young child and his mother and flee into Egypt."

15. When Horus came of age, he had a special ritual where hsi eye was restored. When Jesus (and other Jews) come of age, they have a special ritual called a Bar Mitzvah.

16. Both Horus and Jesus were 12 at this coming-of-age ritual.

17. Neither have any official recorded life histories between the ages of 12 and 30.

18. Horus was baptized in the river Eridanus. Jesus was baptized in the river Jordan.

19. Both were baptized at age 30.

20. Horus was baptized by Anup the Baptizer. Jesus was baptized by John the Baptist.

21. Both Anup and John were later beheaded.

22. Horus was taken from the desert of Amenta up a high mountain to be tempted by his arch-rival Set. Jesus was taken from the desert in Palestine up a high mountain to be tempted by his arch-rival Satan.

23. Both Horus and Jesus successfully resist this temptation.

24. Both have 12 disciples.

25. Both walked on water, cast out demons, healed the sick, and restored sight to the blind.

26. Horus "stilled the sea by his power." Jesus commanded the sea to be still by saying, "Peace, be still."

27. Horus raised his dead father (Osiris) from the grave. Jesus raised Lazarus from the grave. (Note the similarity in names when you say them out loud. Further, Osiris was also known as Asar, which is El-Asar in Hebrew, which is El-Asarus in Latin.)

28. Osiris was raised in the town of Anu. Lazarus was raised in Bethanu (literally, "house of Anu").

29. Both gods delivered a Sermon on the Mount.

30. Both were crucified.

31. Both were crucified next to two thieves.

32. Both were buried in a tomb.

33. Horus was sent to Hell and resurrected in 3 days. Jesus was sent to Hell and came back "three days" later (although Friday night to Sunday morning is hardly three days).

34. Both had their resurrection announced by women.

35. Both are supposed to return for a 1000-year reign.

36. Horus is known as KRST, the anointed one. Jesus was known as the Christ (which means "anointed one").

37. Both Jesus and Horus have been called the good shepherd, the lamb of God, the bread of life, the son of man, the Word, the fisher, and the winnower.

38. Both are associated with the zodiac sign of Pisces (the fish).

39. Both are associated with the symbols of the fish, the beetle, the vine, and the shepherd's crook.

40. Horus was born in Anu ("the place of bread") and Jesus was born in Bethlehem ("the house of bread").

41. "The infant Horus was carried out of Egypt to escape the wrath of Typhon. The infant Jesus was carried into Egypt to escape the wrath of Herod. Concerning the infant Jesus, the New Testament states the following prophecy: 'Out of Egypt have I called my son.'" (See Point 13)

42. Both were transfigured on the mount.

43. The catacombs of Rome have pictures of the infant Horus being held by his mother, not unlike the modern-day images of "Madonna and Child."

44. Noted English author C. W. King says that both Isis and Mary are called "Immaculate".

45. Horus says: "Osiris, I am your son, come to glorify your soul, and to give you even more power." And Jesus says: "Now is the Son of Man glorified and God is glorified in him. If God is glorified in him, God will glorify the Son in himself, and will glorify him at once."

46. Horus was identified with the Tau (cross).

Free thinker slogans

* Darwin loves you

* Blasphemy is a victimless crime.

* Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers

* Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole

* Don’t pray in my school, and I won’t think in your church.

* Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry

* Thank God I'm an Atheist.

* Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.

* There's A REASON Why Atheists Don't Fly Planes Into Buildings

* If you think god is your co-pilot, try letting him land the plane.

* "Worship Me or I Will Torture You Forever. Have a Nice Day."­ God.

* If Jesus is inside me, I hope he likes fajitas ’cause that’s what he’s getting!

* Gods Don't Kill People. People Who Believe in God Kill People.

* If There is No God, Then What Makes the Next Kleenex Pop Up?

* He's Dead. It's Been 2,000 years. He's Not Coming Back. Get OVER It Already!

* All religion is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry - Edgar Allen Poe.

* Viva La Evolución!

* Praying is begging

* Actually, If You Look It Up, The Winter Solstice Is The Reason For The Season

* I Wouldn't Trust Your God Even If He Did Exist

* Cheeses Is Lard. Argue With THAT If You Can.

* Cheeses Dried Foyer Shins. Praise the Lard.

* The difference between a cult and a religion is the amount of real estate controlled.

* People Who Don't Want Their Beliefs Laughed at Shouldn't Have Such Funny Beliefs

* Jesus is Coming? Don't Swallow That.

* Threatening Children With Hell Is FUN!


* Jesus Told Me Republicans SUCK

* God + Whacky Tobacky = Platypus

* God Doesn't Exist. So, I Guess That Means No One Loves You.

* When the Rapture Comes, We'll Get Our Country Back!

* Q. How Do We Know the Holy Ghost Was Catholic? A. He Used the Rhythm Method Instead of a Condom.

* You Say "Heretic" Like It Was a BAD Thing

* And God said unto His followers, ‘Get on your knees and prey.’

* Creationism: Holy Shit!

* I Love Christians. They Taste Like Chicken.

* How many prophets does does it take to make a profit?

* Science: It Works, Bitches.

* "Intelligent Design" Helping Stupid People Feel Smart Since 1987

* I Found God Between The Sheets

* I Gave Up Superstitious Mumbo Jumbo For Lent

* My Flying Monkey Can Beat Up Your Guardian Angel

* Every Time You Play With Yourself, God Kills a Kitten

* If God Wanted People to Believe in Him, Then Why Did He Invent Logic?

* Praying Is Politically Correct Schizophrenia

* ALL Americans Are African Americans

* I Forget - Which Day Did God Make All The Fossils?

Cynical list

1. leaders
3. outlaws
4. lawyers
5. backstabbers
6. brown-nosers
7. yes-men
8. middlemen
9. alpha males
10. women who try to be alpha males
11. good ol' boys who become president
12. bimbos who become celebrities
13. all other celebrities
14. prima donnas
15. dictators
16. people who take dictation
17. workaholics
18. slackers who pretend to be workaholics
19. slackers who don't pretend to be workaholics
20. hypocrites
21. charlatans
22. MBAs
23. mindless office drones who get promoted to management
24. conformists
25. nonconformists
26. poseurs
27. people who use pretentious French words
28. bores
29. boors
30. weasels
31. barracudas
32. pedophile priests
33. leeches
34. internal parasites
35. investment bankers
36. old-money snobs
37. new-money snobs
38. fashion snobs
39. food snobs
40. health-and-fitness snobs
41. "I'm hipper than you'll ever be in your dreams" snobs
42. upwardly-mobile career snobs
43. "team players"
44. negotiators
45. the fine print
46. broken contracts
47. overbooked flights
48. canceled concerts
49. annulled marriages
50. returned gifts
51. recalled automobiles
52. planned obsolescence
53. knowing that your two-year-old $2000 computer is now a mere toy
54. $500 electronic handheld organizers that are almost as efficient as $30 loose-leaf organizers
55. 27-year-old Silicon Valley millionaires
56. computer literacy replacing literary literacy
57. computer viruses
58. software bugs
59. unfathomable computer video games that are instantly mastered by subliterate pre-adolescents
60. the values instilled by video games (if it gets in your way, nuke it)
61. thinking about a future society run by people nurtured on video games
62. watching helplessly as a full day's work is eaten alive by your PC
63. watching the hourglass hang for two, three, four minutes
64. "application has stopped responding to the system"
65. "server does not have a DNS entry"
66. spending three hours on the internet in a futile search for information
67. the fact that you could have obtained the information in three minutes by opening a book
68. the proliferation of websites featuring naked people exchanging bodily fluids
69. the fact that those websites are more popular than yours or mine
70. spam! spam! spam! spam!
71. losing half our free time to internet addiction
72. losing most of our day to meaningless work
73. having to play office politics
74. having to play golf with your superiors
75. the term "superiors"
76. the term "subordinates"
77. cubicles and other sensory deprivation cells
78. people who thrive in cubicles
79. people who thrive on 14-hour workdays
80. people who take their cell phones on vacation
81. "A" students who end up working for "C" students
82. "It takes money to make money"
83. "It's not what you know, it's who you know"
84. the "power words" used on resumes to impress employers
85. the fact that employers are impressed with power words on resumes
86. college graduates who have to settle for a job at Blockbuster
87. the salaries of liberal arts graduates in the business world
88. the miseries of liberal arts graduates in the business world
89. prostituting yourself for less than a prostitute makes
90. staying at a job you detest because the alternatives are even worse
91. people who get promoted on the basis of the right shoes or haircut
92. people who get promoted because they resemble their vice president
93. executive bonuses that exceed your annual salary
94. the "fast track"
95. the "glass ceiling"
96. being underemployed
97. being overworked
98. being reprimanded
99. being ignored
100. being framed
101. being demoted
102. being moved into the hallway
103. watching everyone but you rise to the level of their incompetence
104. the annual incomes of CEOs
105. the writing ability of CEOs
106. multimillion-dollar "golden parachutes" awarded to dismissed CEOs
107. the practice of terminating veteran employees a year before retirement
108. the term "terminating"
109. "leveraging"
110. "targeting"
111. "impacting"
112. calling downsizing "rightsizing"
113. downsizing profitable companies for the sole purpose of wooing investors
114. the fact that investors reward companies for downsizing
115. the fact that companies now exist primarily to woo investors
116. bonuses and stock options for executives who "trimmed the fat"
117. diet plans -- all 2,178 of them
118. joggers who perform ostentatious stretching exercises in public places
119. fitness zealots who carry hand weights when they walk
120. self-infatuated bodybuilders who know all their muscles by name
121. health-food fanatics who faint at the sight of a cheeseburger
122. health-food fanatics who smoke
123. anorexia nervosa (just put the food in your mouth and CHEW!)
124. restaurant patrons who send back perfectly edible food to impress their dinner dates
125. snippy waiters who would rather be snippy actors
126. waiters who tell you their name, call themselves "servers," and expect a 25% tip
127. waiting half an hour for a salad
128. waiting twenty minutes for your check
129. fussy, oily yuppie cuisine
130. anything with pesto sauce
131. "herbed" anything
132. "fruited" anything
133. anything with ingredients that require you to consult a glossary
134. gated communities
135. $600,000 yuppie homes on 1/4-acre lots
136. yuppie parents jockeying to get their child into a prestigious nursery school
137. the growing gap between haves and have-nots
138. doctors marrying doctors
139. lawyers marrying lawyers
140. men marrying men
141. computer geeks marrying computer geeks
142. professional jargon: the Tower of Babel revisited
143. the fact that people expect you to understand their jargon
144. "newspeak"
145. "groupthink"
146. "Big Brother is watching you"
147. totalitarianism
148. mass movements
149. mass media
150. mass murder
151. mass marketing
152. telemarketing
153. the pathetic scripts read by poor underpaid telemarketing agents
154. saying "yes" so we don't hurt the poor underpaid telemarketing agent's feelings
155. junk mail
156. the time we spend sorting through junk mail
157. the fact that junk mail is written by people who wanted to be writers
158. "Urgent: Reply Requested!"
159. "You may already have won!"
160. "If you're the winner, we will say MR. OCCUPANT HAS WON $9,000,000.00!"
161. "A special offer exclusively for Mr. Occupant"
162. "No strings attached!"
163. "FREE GIFT!"
165. televised trials
166. medieval trials (if you drown, you're innocent; if you float, you're guilty)
167. the irrelevance of the truth in all trials
168. jury rigging
169. plea bargaining
170. murderers acquitted because their side had smarter lawyers
171. innocent people sentenced because the OTHER side had smarter lawyers
172. convicted murderers paroled after serving six months of a life sentence
173. prisons that offer free education, VCRs, and complimentary mints on the pillows
174. legal loopholes
175. divorce settlements (both spouses lose; both lawyers win)
176. lawsuits by people who spill coffee on themselves
177. lawyers who encourage lawsuits by people who spill coffee on themselves
178. the absurd amounts of money awarded to people who spill coffee on themselves
179. the absurd amounts of money awarded to lawyers who prosecute lawsuits by people who spill coffee on themselves
180. the cost of private medical care
181. the tyranny of managed medical care
182. the inefficiency of public medical care
183. dying during a tonsillectomy
184. the fact that your death will be referred to as a "negative patient healthcare outcome"
185. health insurance companies that force hospitals to release patients as soon as the anesthesia wears off
186. health insurance being denied to the people most likely to get sick
187. health insurance as a capitalist enterprise
188. health insurance that covers 80% of a $500,000 medical bill
189. having a heart attack two days after your health insurance expires
190. the effects of age and gravity on the human body
191. shrinking from your original height
192. going senile
193. losing control of your bladder as a reward for reaching old age
194. drugs whose side effects are worse than the disease
195. cancer: opportunism incarnate
196. dandruff
197. gout
198. flatulence
199. herpes
200. psoriasis
201. Alzheimer's disease
202. Tourette's syndrome
203. St. Vitus' dance
204. hemorrhoids
205. chronic sinusitis
206. yeast infections
207. athlete's foot
208. gum disease
209. crotch rot
210. mad cow disease
211. elephantiasis
212. crabs
213. male-pattern baldness
214. irritable bowel syndrome
215. having to worry about your blood pressure and cholesterol
216. the fact that worrying about your blood pressure and cholesterol will probably raise both of them
217. the fact that virtually everything that tastes good can kill you
218. subsisting on granola only to find that it contains more saturated fat than two Big Macs
219. the wretchedness of heart-healthy diets (we are not RABBITS!)
220. regaining more weight after a diet than you lost during it
221. people who watch their fat intake and keel over at 47
222. people who eat lard, smoke two packs a day, and live to be 97
223. the likelihood that the survivors were also much HAPPIER during their long lives
224. suspecting that you'll be more like #221 than #222
225. the smugness of lucky people
226. the smugness of high-school in-crowders
227. the even worse smugness of art-world in-crowders
228. the empty pretentiousness of most modern art
229. performance artists: street loonies with foundation grants
230. artists who gain attention by exhibiting their own bodily excretions
231. artists who pass off collections of scrap metal as sculpture -- and have them deposited on idyllic college campuses
232. artists who decorate an empty canvas with one horizontal stripe
233. art critics who see profound meaning in an empty canvas with one horizontal stripe
234. movie critics who give rave reviews to bad films so their names will appear in newspaper ads
235. critics who call every passable film or play a "masterpiece"
236. critics who trash a film, play or book for the chance to turn a clever phrase
237. designated bestsellers stacked four feet high in the bookstore window
238. good books going out of print because nobody knows about them
239. nondescript chain bookstores driving out quirky independent bookstores
240. celebrity authors who earn more for one ghostwritten book than 100 editors make in a year
241. the state of publishing today
242. the state of Nevada
243. sleaze
244. bogus fun
245. bogus ANYTHING
246. breast implants
247. sex-change operations
248. bad toupees
249. good toupees
250. blazing white dentures
251. used-car dealers
252. chain letters
253. pyramid schemes
254. people who refer to pyramid schemes as "multi-level marketing"
255. euphemisms like "differently abled" and "mentally challenged"
256. oxymorons like "military intelligence" and "corporate culture"
257. "Catch-22" situations; e.g., "you can't get a job unless you already have a job"
258. millionaire ballplayers who grumble about their salaries
259. artificial turf, polyester uniforms, costumed mascots and other tackiness on the field
260. team owners who fire managers for losing the World Series
261. free agents who jump from team to team like hungry fleas
262. boxers who bite off their opponents' ears or other body parts
263. "great white hopes" = great white dopes
264. college football teams made up of convicted felons
265. pro football players who either strut ostentatiously or pray ostentatiously each time they score a touchdown
266. female sports reporters allowed into men's locker rooms
267. male sports reporters allowed into women's locker rooms (as if!)
268. sports teams with singular names; e.g., the Utah Jazz
269. sports teams with absurdly incongruous names; e.g., the Utah Jazz
270. sports parents who browbeat their kids for screwing up on the field
271. asinine chants of "We're #1!" (Americans always have to be #1)
272. sports fanatics who live vicariously through their teams
273. nerds who live vicariously through "Star Trek"
274. anyone who lives vicariously through any soap opera
275. celebrity worship
276. wealth without taste
277. taste without wealth
278. shamelsss celebrity promotional vehicles like "Entertainment Tonight"
279. John Tesh, shameless composer
280. "Candle in the Wind"
281. eulogies delivered by clergymen who didn't know the deceased
282. how we forget good people after their deaths and remember Attila the Hun
283. Gresham's Law: the bad drives out the good
284. the worldwide triumph of cockroaches
285. the worldwide triumph of rats
286. the worldwide triumph of American popular culture
287. absurd foreign imitations of American popular culture: Russian nightclubs, Czech rock groups, Japanese jazz bands, Turkish soap operas
288. the profitability of bad taste
289. the bad taste graveyard: disco, leisure suits, velvet clown paintings
290. pinkie rings and gold chains on wealthy building contractors
291. bad art in hotel/motel rooms
292. the fact that those bad artists can afford to stay in hotels with GOOD art
293. romance novels with Fabio on the cover
294. Elvis and Princess Diana collectibles
295. the fact that the majority of autographed sports collectibles are fakes
296. the need to purchase separate shoes for walking, jogging, tennis and basketball
297. selling advertising space on anything that doesn't move and some things that DO (buses, stock cars, Olympic athletes)
298. people who sell cemetery plots or penny stocks over the phone
299. ingenious high-pressure sales tactics that make us feel stupid if we say "no" and even stupider after we say "yes"
300. buying things on sale: spending money to save money
301. annual "going out of business" sales
302. people who spend an hour clipping coupons so they can save 87 cents
303. receiving Christmas catalogs in August
304. discovering there's no Santa Claus
305. the ugly, insanely popular, hard-to-obtain toys that parents must buy to appease their children
306. the fact that parents NEED to appease their own children
307. cheap toys with hundreds of dollars worth of accessories to buy
308. toys merchandised as movie tie-ins
309. the licensing of dead celebrities
310. people who gain an identity by wearing t-shirts with commercial logos
311. "As seen on TV!"
312. the bewildering success of home shopping channels ("Who would ever watch nonstop commercials?," asked the cynic)
313. infomercials for psychic hotlines, motivational tapes, exercise machines and baldness remedies
314. people who have nothing better to do at night than watch infomercials
315. people who promise they'll call but never do
316. people who complain because you promised to call but never do
317. people who ask "How are you?" but don't really want to know
318. people who make you miserable
319. the fact that you ALLOW people to make you miserable
320. that luck is definitely a factor in getting what you want
321. that you can make your own luck but nobody tells you how
322. being unlucky in love
323. being unlucky in the stock market
324. stocks that plummet after you buy them
325. stocks that go through the roof after you sell them
326. having to pay your broker a commission on losing stocks
327. the fact that your broker has no incentive to sell you WINNING stocks as long as you pay a commission on losing stocks
328. the fact that the entire economy of the free world is in the hands of gamblers
329. lotteries
330. sweepstakes
331. church bingo
332. casinos
333. Wall Street, the world's biggest casino
334. that American Indians have to operate casinos to survive
335. Las Vegas
336. lounge acts
337. Frank Sinatra after 1970
338. pop music after 1970
339. life after 1970
340. striving
341. giving up
342. promises
343. betrayals
344. excuses
345. prejudice against fat people
346. prejudice against dark-skinned people
347. prejudice against excessively stupid and excessively intelligent people
348. prejudice against people with big noses
349. prejudice against ugly women
350. prejudice against gentle men
351. "all men are created equal"
352. "the pursuit of happiness"
353. chronic disappointment
354. expecting rewards in the hereafter
355. the apparent indifference of God
356. the possibility that God is a myth
357. the possibility that God is a crank
358. the possibility that God is a jokester
359. the prevalence of unbelieving theologians: NOT a good sign
360. the perverse intelligence of inanimate objects that roll just out of reach
361. boxtops that tear as you open them
362. paper grocery bags that tear when they're full of glass jars
363. toilet paper that tears as you use it
364. price labels that won't come off without tearing the product
365. plastic bags you have to open with your teeth
366. "twist-off" bottlecaps that rip your fingers
367. VCRs so complicated that you need an engineering degree to program them
368. 500 channels and nothing you want to watch
369. electronic gadgets that come with incoherent instructions written by well- intentioned Asians
370. major appliances that break down two days after the warranty expires
371. traffic lights that are programmed to turn red as soon as you arrive from the previous red light
372. picking the shortest line at a toll booth or supermarket checkout -- and watching the others pass you by
373. playing by the rules and watching the outlaws pass you by
374. man's treachery toward his fellow-creatures
375. raising and nurturing good-natured cows, pigs and chickens so they can become DINNER
376. killing rhinos for their horns
377. killing elephants for their tusks
378. killing baby seals for their fur
379. killing employees for their productivity
380. the National Rifle Association
381. the fact that it's easier in the U.S. to obtain handguns than Cuban cigars
382. the oil cartel
383. U.S. alliances and wars motivated by the sweet smell of oil
384. the tobacco industry profiting from the slow suicides of smokers
385. people who start smoking to be cool, then sue tobacco companies when they develop lung cancer
386. the fact that tobacco ever caught on in the first place ("Why would anyone stick burning leaves in his mouth?," asked the cynic)
387. the fact that tobacco is more profitable than book publishing
388. the fact that nearly ANY industry is more profitable than book publishing
389. exploitation of resources, including human resources
390. the term "human resources" (we are not BAUXITE!)
391. billion-dollar sportswear companies that profit from exploiting child labor
392. clear-cutting the rainforests to make room for McDonald's beef cattle
393. excessive hysteria over snail darters and northern spotted owls
394. insufficient hysteria over the approaching extinction of tigers, pandas, gorillas and other first-rate mammals
395. Greenpeace (skip the '60s poetics -- just tell us what you do)
396. war
397. Pentagon spending habits; e.g., $640 toilet seats and $76 screws
398. the contractors who charge $640 per toilet seat and $76 per screw
399. being drafted
400. boot camp: sadomasochism as a character-builder
401. being expected to die for a country you can't locate on a map
402. bombing the wrong village
403. being killed by "friendly fire"
404. being killed one day before the truce is signed
405. being hit by a bus one day after returning to civilian life
406. the raunchy brutality of urban life
407. drug pushers
408. street gangs
409. rapists
410. carjackers
411. slumlords
412. racketeers
413. panhandlers
414. muggers who shoot you for a cigarette or a pair of sneakers
415. welfare mothers raising FUTURE welfare mothers
416. welfare fathers who sire six children by six different women
417. ghetto dwellers blaming their problems on racism
418. middle-class blacks encountering REAL racism when they move out of the ghetto
419. the fact that most stereotypes contain a grain of truth that keeps them alive: emotional Italians; smart, aggressive Jews; hot-blooded Latins; beguiling, hard-drinking Irish; disciplined, regimented Germans and Japanese; inbred rednecks
420. not being allowed to say that blacks have rhythm or superior athletic skill -- despite all the compelling evidence in their favor
421. not being allowed to talk about Jewish cultural influence -- despite the likelihood that the 20th century will be remembered as a Jewish Renaissance
422. the fact that Jewish sensitivities may have been conditioned by 2000 years of nonstop anti-Semitism
423. "Some of my best friends are [fill in the blank]"
424. the fact that every oppressed minority group likes to think it suffered more than every other oppressed minority group
425. Holocaust museums, AIDS quilts and other public statements of victimhood
426. the fact that we still NEED Holocaust museums, AIDS quilts and other public statements of victimhood
427. symbolic protests with live people masquerading as dead bodies
428. demands of amnesty by whining political agitators (if you don't want to be arrested, don't commit a crime)
429. '60s radicals who used the Vietnam War as an excuse to promote Marxism
430. '60s radicals who became Wall Street tycoons
431. '60s radicals who still wear tie-dyed shirts and sandals
432. liberals whose friends are exclusively upper-middle class
433. conservatives whose friends are exclusively upper-middle class
434. capitalism
435. communism
436. socialism
437. fascism
438. commericialism
439. terrorism
440. male chauvinism
441. female chauvinism
442. plagiarism
443. optimism
444. Freudianism
445. psychoanalysts who keep their patients coming back for 20 years
446. patients who still hope for a cure after being psychoanalyzed for 20 years
447. group therapy: a less expensive cure that doesn't work
448. electroshock therapy: a quicker cure that doesn't work
449. finally going crazy
450. psychiatrists who are crazier than their patients
451. finding happiness only after getting a lobotomy
452. being labeled a "former mental patient" for life
453. "sensitivity" training and other forms of brainwashing
454. psychobabble: the standardization of introspection
455. codependency and other pop-psychology concepts designed to sell books
456. the fact that there wouldn't be so many self-help books if any of them worked
457. anyone associated with the O.J. Simpson trial who wrote a book
458. O.J. Simpson
459. 20-year-old Hollywood starlets who form their own production companies
460. Hollywood agents of any age
461. the "A" list for Hollywood parties
462. the people who decide who's on the "A" list
463. Hollywood movies after "Star Wars"
464. blockbusters
465. sequels to blockbusters
466. bad movies based on old TV shows
467. the fact that those bad movies become blockbusters anyway
468. Julia Roberts, highest-paid film actress of all time
469. The fact that the highest-paid actress used to be Demi Moore until Julia Roberts replaced her
470. the fact that it would take the average U.S. worker more than six centuries to earn what the top male stars receive for one film
471. the fact that Michael Ovitz received five times that much when he was fired from Disney
472. the fact that Michael Eisner received more than five times as much as Ovitz in ONE DAY, when he cashed in his Disney stock options
473. the symbolism of Pia Zadora buying and demolishing Pickfair, once the grandest mansion in Beverly Hills
474. overreliance on special effects in mainstream Hollywood films
475. too much @$&#*!% profanity in mainstream Hollywood films
476. knee-jerk contempt for religion in mainstream Hollywood films
477. knee-jerk contempt for Hollywood by the religious right
478. films that depict Jesus as a blue-eyed Nordic
479. "To him that hath, more shall be given"
480. the old-boy network
481. the tendency of high-school in-crowders to become adult in-crowders
482. being snubbed by the in-crowd because of your looks, clothes, taste in music, or weird family
483. being snubbed by a friend in the presence of in-crowders
484. teachers who embarrass you in front of the entire class
485. students who embarrass teachers in front of the entire class
486. homework in every subject
487. teachers' pets
488. the worship of student athletes (except in cross-country, wrestling, golf and fencing)
489. cheerleaders
490. the importance of being selected as a cheerleader
491. parents who murder cheerleaders who were selected over their own kids
492. wanting to be considered cool: the root of all teenage vices
493. the inexplicable vogue for multiple pierced body parts, including tongues
494. peer pressure (ask any lemming)
495. being taunted for being virtuous
496. having to worry that you're gay if you're still a virgin at 18
497. having to think your entire future will be determined by your college board scores
498. being rejected by your #1 college
499. being rejected by your #2 college
500. being rejected by every college except your "safety" school
501. being rejected by your "safety" school
502. going to your #1 college -- and hating it
503. bickering with the college administration
504. crass college students who major in merchandising or finance
505. idealistic college students who major in history, philosophy or French (turn back before the world devours you!)
506. being stuck with a roommate from hell
507. the hell you have to go through to pledge a fraternity
508. fraternities in general
509. sororities in general
510. fraternity boys who become top executives
511. private university graduates who look down on state university graduates
512. state university graduates who look down on state college graduates
513. state college graduates who look down on community college graduates
514. high school dropouts who earn more than all of them
515. mom-and-pop businesses driven out by shopping malls
516. mom-and-pop businesses driven out by designer boutiques and tattoo parlors
517. what it takes to succeed
518. motivational seminars that promise easy success
519. the fact that the easiest way to succeed is to give motivational seminars
520. consulting: the art of succeeding while unemployed
521. the success of writers and artists who sell out
522. the wretchedness of writers and artists who don't
523. tenure for scholars: freedom to be mediocre
524. being denied tenure
525. semiotics, deconstructionism, and similar vehicles for academic obfuscation
526. Afrocentrism (sorry, the Egyptians weren't black)
527. Women's Studies (sorry, women aren't an ethnic group)
528. the shameful exclusion of non-Western cultures from old history textbooks
529. the overemphasis on non-Western cultures in current textbooks
530. the term "Third World" ("How come we never hear about the First and Second Worlds?," asked the cynic)
531. Montezuma's revenge
532. what the Spaniards did to Montezuma
533. trying to convert the heathens
534. selling refrigerators to Eskimos
535. having to call Eskimos "Inuit"
536. having to call Burma "Myanmar"
537. having to call Dave Barry "America's favorite humorist"
538. the fact that Tom Cruise is more famous than John Adams or Charlemagne
539. the fact that MTV is more famous than the 3,000-year-old nation of Armenia
540. Planet Hollywood
541. the Hard Rock Cafe
542. gawking tourists who wear Hard Rock Cafe t-shirts
543. paparazzi
544. supermarket tabloids
545. people who buy tabloids and complain about paparazzi
546. Calvin Klein ads (what exactly are we selling here?)
547. reading about the triumphs of the shallow in "People" magazine
548. the term "beautiful people" used without irony
549. chic: the triumph of style over substance
550. 55-year-old celebrities who try to look 30
551. cosmetic surgery
552. Michael Jackson, self-made alien
553. Michael Jackson's marriages
554. Michael Jackson's peculiar friendship with Elizabeth Taylor
555. Elizabeth Taylor's marriages
556. the publicity uses of entering the Betty Ford Clinic
557. alcoholism as a "disease"
558. gambling as a "disease"
559. AIDS as a "civil rights issue"
560. the sad last days of discarded celebrities
561. tabloids that exploit the sad last days of discarded celebrities
562. the woes of former child stars
563. the warped ambitions of stage parents
564. the futile ambitions of would-be writers
565. the fact that nobody reads literature anymore
566. the fact that Walt Disney World is the biggest single tourist attraction in the U.S.
567. the disappearance of classical music radio stations
568. the perplexing success of the ugliest pop music
569. the inevitable triumph of energy over refinement
570. the fact that cultured men today are predominantly gay
571. the fact that heterosexual men today are predominantly uncultured
572. the fact that single men have to feel suspect if they're cultured
573. men who regard women as sex toys
574. smart middle-aged women who regard uneducated young men as sex toys
575. middle-aged alpha males with trophy wives
576. women who praise sensitive men but fall for alpha males
577. men who demand that their women look like Barbie
578. women who demand that their men be "financially secure"
579. crude, lascivious men who leer at women, make jokes about breasts, etc., etc.
580. hip, contemporary women who leer at men, make jokes about penises, etc., etc.
581. the comical ineptness of intellectual men in the real world
582. the shrill fascism of intellectual feminists who denounce our rigid "phallocentric" institutions, like grammar, sex and rocket science
583. the condescension of older businessmen toward the "little ladies"
584. women who characterize flirtation as sexual harassment
585. men who characterize sexual harassment as flirtation
586. the male double standard: it's OK for men (but not women) to fool around
587. female double standards: it's OK for women (but not men) to bash the opposite sex, have their own colleges and clubs, whine, let their spouses support them, etc., etc.
588. the fact that everything ultimately boils down to sex
589. the fact that sex fuels the egos of people whose egos don't need fueling
590. kinky sex (isn't "normal" sex kinky enough?)
591. impotence: nature's way of telling a man he doesn't deserve to get lucky
592. faked orgasms: woman's way of telling a man he's luckier than he deserves to be
593. potential lovers who tell you about the "great sex" they had with a previous lover
594. current lovers who are having "great sex" with somebody else but don't tell you about it
595. current lovers who are having "great sex" with somebody else and DO tell you about it
596. the inventiveness of women's excuses for saying no
597. the inventiveness of men's arguments for persuading a woman to say yes
598. sexual starvation
599. watching people who are dorkier than you get all the sex they want
600. having to practice safe sex
601. having to practice salesmanship to get sex
602. the depth of conversations at singles bars
603. the depth of conversations in online chat rooms
604. the depth of conversations in most marriages
605. spats
606. replays of the same spats
607. breaking up after making up
608. being dumped by someone you love
609. being dumped for your best friend
610. being dumped for your mate's best friend
611. being dumped as part of your mate's latest career move
612. "Can't we just be friends?"
613. watching your ex-mate get lucky while your heart is still broken
614. searching for new mate so you have another chance to experience all of the above
615. the lamentable decline of romance
616. the unlamented demise of Western Civilization
617. the survival of tuberculosis bacilli and political parties
618. big government: a charity funded by legalized extortion
619. taxation without representation
620. taxation WITH representation
621. representative government masquerading as democracy
622. Washington insiders
623. dinner parties for Washington insiders
624. buying an ambassadorship
625. foreign ambassadors with 137 parking tickets who claim diplomatic immunity
626. backslappers and palm-greasers
627. congressmen who sell out to lobbyists
628. presidents who sell out to lobbyists
629. lobbyists
630. political cronies appointed to high office
631. the politicians who appoint the appointees
632. political scandals
633. cover-ups of scandals
634. press coverage of cover-ups of scandals
635. the blindness of the press toward JFK's scandals
636. the bloodlust of the press in covering Nixon's one scandal
637. candidates for the U.S. presidency since 1960
638. candidates for local office in every era
639. selling favors for campaign contributions: political prostitution
640. making impossible campaign promises: political courtship
641. committing impeachable offenses: political adultery
642. being impeached: political divorce proceedings
643. photo opportunities and sound bites
644. spin doctors
645. mudslinging as a viable campaign strategy
646. pollsters' and psychics' predictions
647. corporate earnings forecasts
648. investors who bail out of a company because it earned $1.24 per share instead of $1.26 per share
649. companies that downsize because they earned $1.24 per share instead of $1.26 per share
650. the stock market soaring on news of higher unemployment
651. going on unemployment yourself
652. mortgages and other long-term, life-sapping obligations, like marriage
653. divorce
654. having to pay alimony and child support
655. not receiving alimony and child support
656. staying single because you think the other option is even worse
657. having to think of yourself as "unfit" if you don't propagate your genes
658. looking at some of the people who DO propagate their genes
659. watching a billion years of evolution sputter out when you die childless
660. knowing that all your knowledge and experiences will evaporate when you die
661. being dead
662. being embalmed
663. being displayed at an open-casket funeral
664. decomposition
665. eternal damnation
666. heaven
667. purgatory ("What's the point?," asked the cynic. "We've already been there.")
668. reincarnation (damned if I'm taking calculus again!)
669. past-life regression therapy
670. aromatherapy
671. foot reflexology
672. chakras
673. auras
674. spirit channeling
675. energy vortexes
676. good karma and bad karma
677. gurus
678. false idols
679. pop idols
680. the artist formerly known as Prince
681. the company still known as Microsoft
682. monopolies
683. landing on Boardwalk with a hotel on it
684. not passing "GO"
685. not winning
686. not even breaking even
687. the fact that virtue is rarely rewarded
688. that the rewards usually go to the wrong people
689. that good things don't last
690. that bad things never go away
691. that nothing you do in this life will matter 10,000 years from now
692. that nothing you do in this life will matter 10 years from now
693. that nearly everything you do is dictated by your genes
694. that you'll never have enough time to do everything you want
695. that everything declines eventually, including you
696. the decline of language
697. the decline of art
698. the decline of decency
699. puritanism: lusting to prevent others from lusting
700. searching for happiness
701. searching for kindred spirits
702. searching for love
703. searching for self-esteem
704. searching for the meaning of life
705. searching for a flashlight with live batteries
706. searching for answers
707. never finding the answers
708. not wanting to find the answers
709. realizing that the answers will always elude you if you search for them
710. knowing that you're still clueless after all these years
711. realizing that all the wise men, philosophers and self-help authors were clueless, too
712. knowing that the world is going to fall apart eventually
713. not caring if the world falls apart
714. "whatever"

Course for women, by men

Courses for Women

Taught by men, for women.

Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV

Doing Housework Without Complaining

Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge

Going to The Washroom Alone
(formerly Coping Without My Friends)

Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?"

Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother

Learning How to Initiate Intimacy

How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong

Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?"

Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must

The Toilet Seat: I Can Learn to Put It Down Too

Using the Thesaurus: Alternatives to "Make Love"

"The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not Synonymous

How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him

The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle

You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone

Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Bassinger – But You're Acceptable

Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem
(formerly One Can Is Enough)

Runs In Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World

Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook

Intimacy: More Than Just Lying There

Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours

Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases

Makeup: The Less is More Theory

Nagging: Stop the Insanity!

Course for men, by women

Courses for Men

Taught by women, for men.

Combating Stupidity

You Too Can Do Housework

P.M.S. – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut

How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray

We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas –
Give Us Money

Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk
At 4 AM

Wonderful Laundry Techniques
(Formerly "Don't Wash My Silks")

Parenting – No, It Doesn't End With Conception

Get a Life – Learn How To Cook

How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong

Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right

Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

You – The Weaker Sex

Reasons To Give Flowers

How To Stay Awake After

Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself
Anywhere But the Bathroom

Garbage – Getting It To the Curb

You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try

The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower

The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous

How To Put The Toilet Seat Down

How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost

The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency

Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes

How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

You Too Can Be a Designated Driver

Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked

Changing Your Underwear – It Really Works

The Attainable Goal – Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary

Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary

Real Men Ask For Directions

How To Take Illness Like a Man

Condescending quotes

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

100 Atheist quotes

1. The fact that a believer is happier than a sceptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. The happiness of credulity is a cheap and dangerous quality. - George Bernard Shaw
2. Faith means not wanting to know what is true. - Friedrich Nietzsche
3. I believe in God, only I spell it Nature. - Frank Lloyd Wright
4. We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes. - Gene Roddenberry
5. To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today. - Isaac Asimov
6. A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows. - Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)
7. Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful. - Seneca the Younger
8. Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned. - Anonymous
9. Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on weekends. - Woody Allen
10. If I were not an atheist, I would believe in a God who would choose to save people on the basis of the totality of their lives and not the pattern of their words. I think he would prefer an honest and righteous atheist to a TV preacher whose every word is God, God, God, and whose every deed is foul, foul, foul. - Isaac Asimov
11. Belief in the supernatural reflects a failure of the imagination. - Edward Abbey
12. With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion. - Steven Weinberg
13. I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence. - Doug McLeod
14. The world holds two classes of men - intelligent men without religion, and religious men without intelligence. - Abu’l-Ala al Ma’arri
15. Since the Bible and the church are obviously mistaken in telling us where we came from, how can we trust them to tell us where we are going? - Anonymous
16. I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires. - Susan B. Anthony
17. The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike. - Delos B. McKown
18. Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer. - Anonymous
19. Atheism leaves a man to sense, to philosophy, to natural piety, to laws, to reputation; all of which may be guides to an outward moral virtue, even if religion vanished; but religious superstition dismounts all these and erects an absolute monarchy in the minds of men. - Francis Bacon
20. The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully. - Richard Dawkins
21. A God who kept tinkering with the universe was absurd; a God who interfered with human freedom and creativity was tyrant. If God is seen as a self in a world of his own, an ego that relates to a thought, a cause separate from its effect. he becomes a being, not Being itself. An omnipotent, all-knowing tyrant is not so different from earthly dictators who make everything and everybody mere cogs in the machine which they controlled. An atheism that rejects such a God is amply justified. - Karen Armstrong
22. It is not as in the Bible, that God created man in his own image. But, on the contrary, man created God in his own image. - Ludwig Feuerbach
23. People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing. What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there’s priests of both sexes I don’t listen to. - Bill Hicks
24. All the biblical miracles will at last disappear with the progress of science. - Matthew Arnold
25. Blind faith is an ironic gift to return to the Creator of human intelligence. - Anonymous
26. Be thankful that you have a life, and forsake your vain and presumptuous desire for a second one. - Richard Dawkins
27. What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof. - Christopher Hitchens
28. In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point. - Friedrich Nietzsche
29. It will yet be the proud boast of women that they never contributed a line to the Bible. - George W. Foote
30. On the first day, man created God. - Anonymous
31. I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours. - Stephen Roberts
32. You do not need the Bible to justify love, but no better tool has been invented to justify hate. - Richard A. Weatherwax
33. What’s “God”? Well, you know, when you want something really bad and you close your eyes and you wish for it? God’s the guy that ignores you. - Steve Buscemi (From the movie “The Island”)
34. As far as I can tell from studying the scriptures, all you do in heaven is pretty much just sit around all day and praise the Lord. I don’t know about you, but I think that after the first, oh, I don’t know, 50,000,000 years of that I’d start to get a little bored. - Rick Reynolds
35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish. - Anonymous
36. Calling Atheism a religion is like calling bald a hair color. - Don Hirschberg
37. God should be executed for crimes against humanity. - Bryan Emmanuel Gutierrez
38. To say that atheism requires faith is as dim-witted as saying that disbelief in pixies or leprechauns takes faith. Even if Einstein himself told me there was an elf on my shoulder, I would still ask for proof and I wouldn’t be wrong to ask. - Geoff Mather
39. I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it. - Mark Twain
40. Of all religions the Christian is without doubt the one which should inspire tolerance most, although up to now the Christians have been the most intolerant of all men. - Voltaire
41. And if there were a God, I think it very unlikely that He would have such an uneasy vanity as to be offended by those who doubt His existence. - Bertrand Russell
42. Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? - Epicurus
43. I’m a polyatheist - there are many gods I don’t believe in. - Dan Fouts
44. If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever. - Woody Allen
45. A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it. - David Stevens
46. Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a God superior to themselves. Most Gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child. - Robert A Heinlein
47. I refuse to prove that I exist,” says God, “for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing. - Douglas Adams
48. It ain’t the parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand. - Mark Twain
49. He that will not reason is a bigot; he that cannot reason is a fool; he that dares not reason is a slave. - William Drummond
50. Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family. - Steven Colbert
51. Which is it, is man one of God’s blunders or is God one of man’s? - Friedrich Nietzsche
52. Religion does three things quite effectively: Divides people, Controls people, Deludes people. - Carlespie Mary Alice McKinney
53. Religion has caused more misery to all of mankind in every stage of human history than any other single idea. - Anonymous
54. When a man is freed of religion, he has a better chance to live a normal and wholesome life. - Sigmund Freud
55. They felt that science would be corrosive to religious belief and they were worried about it. Damn it, I think they were right. It is corrosive to religious belief and it’s a good thing. - Steven Weinberg
56. Take from the church the miraculous, the supernatural, the incomprehensible, the unreasonable, the impossible, the unknowable, the absurd, and nothing but a vacuum remains. - Robert G. Ingersoll
57. History teaches us that no other cause has brought more death than the word of god. - Giulian Buzila
58. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - George Carlin
59. We are all atheists about most of the gods that societies have ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further. - Richard Dawkins
60. A believer states everything must have a creator but fail to say how he was created. - Anonymous
61. “There are no atheists in foxholes” isn’t an argument against atheism, it’s an argument against foxholes. - James Morrow
62. People will then often say, ‘But surely it’s better to remain an Agnostic just in case?’ This, to me, suggests such a level of silliness and muddle that I usually edge out of the conversation rather than get sucked into it. (If it turns out that I’ve been wrong all along, and there is in fact a god, and if it further turned out that this kind of legalistic, cross-your-fingers-behind-your-back, Clintonian hair-splitting impressed him, then I think I would choose not to worship him anyway.) - Douglas Adams
63. Properly read, the bible is the most potent force for Atheism ever conceived. - Isaac Asimov
64. If all the Christians who have called other Christians “not really a Christian” were to vanish, there’d be no Christians left. - Anonymous
65. An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. - John Buchan
66. Gods dont kill people. People with Gods kill people. - David Viaene
67. If God were suddenly condemned to live the life which He has inflicted upon men, He would kill Himself. - Alexandre Dumas
68. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make when in the presence of religious dogma. - Sam Harris
69. I don’t believe in God because I don’t believe in Mother Goose - Clarence Darrow
70. No philosophy, no religion, has ever brought so glad a message to the world as this good news of Atheism. - Annie Wood Besant
71. I refuse to believe in a god who is the primary cause of conflict in the world, preaches racism, sexism, homophobia, and ignorance, and then sends me to hell if I’m ‘bad’. - Mike Fuhrman
72. Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions. - Frater Ravus
73. Believing there is no God gives me more room for belief in family, people, love, truth, beauty, sex, Jell-o, and all the other things I can prove and that make this life the best life I will ever have. - Penn Jillette
74. Absolute faith corrupts as absolutely as absolute power but absolute power is corrupt only in the hands of the absolutely faithful. - Anonymous
75. Gods are fragile things; they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense. - Chapman Cohen
76. The inspiration of the bible depends on the ignorance of the person who reads it. - Robert G. Ingersoll
77. When one person suffers from a delusion, it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion. - Robert Pirsig
78. I wonder who got the shit job of scouring the planet for the 15000 species of butterfly or the 8800 species of ant they eventually took on board Noah’s Ark. But at least we got that magical rainbow for all their trouble. - Azura Skye
79. I have no need for religion, I have a conscience. - Anonymous
80. Man has always required an explanation for all of those things in the world he did not understand. If an explanation was not available, he created one. - Jim Crawford
81. I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world. - Richard Dawkins
82. What has been Christianity’s fruits? Superstition, Bigotry and Persecution. - James Madison
83. The characters and events depicted in the damn bible are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. - Penn and Teller
84. If god is the alpha and the omega. The begining and the end, knows what has passed and what is to come, like it states in the bible, why do people pray and think it will make any difference. - Mark Fairclough
85. The finality of death is the coldest truth one must face. Religion makes the perfect distraction. - Anonymous
86. Religion is the opiate of the masses. - Karl Marx
87. If God created the world, then who created god? and who created whoever created god? So somewhere along the line something had to just be there. So why can’t we just skip the idea of god and go straight to earth? - Ryan Hanson
88. If we expect God to subscribe to one religion at the exclusion of all the others, then we should expect damnation as a matter of chance. This should give Christians pause when expounding their religious beliefs, but it does not. - Sam Harris
89. Atheists will celebrate life, while you’re in church celebrating death. - Anonymous
90. Animals do not have gods, they are smarter than that. - Ronnie Snow
91. I have observed that the world has suffered far less from ignorance than from pretensions to knowledge. It is not skeptics or explorers but fanatics and ideologues who menace decency and progress. No agnostic ever burned anyone at the stake or tortured a pagan, a heretic, or an unbeliever. - Daniel Boorstin
92. I have never seen the slightest scientific proof of the religious ideas of heaven and hell, of future life for individuals, or of a personal God. So far as religion of the day is concerned, it is a damned fake… Religion is all bunk. - Thomas Edison
93. Fundamentalism, of any type, due to its prerequisite lack of intelligent thought, could prove to be the worst weapon of mass destruction, of all. - David J. Constable
94. To really be free, You need to be free in the mind. - Alexander Loutsis
95. Most religions prophecy the end of the world and then consistently work together to ensure that these prophecies come true. - Anonymous
96. Jesus hardly made the greatest sacrifice. He knew he would be resurrected anyway. - Anonymous
97. Religion is like a virus that affects the behaviour of its host in such a way as to propagate itself further. - Jack Pritchard
98. Religions are like pills, which must be swallowed whole without chewing. - Anonymous
99. Today’s religion will be the future’s mythology. Both believed at one time by many; but proved wrong by the clever. - Steven Crocker
100. The Bible - A Fairytale book of rules brainwashing millions. Obliviously used to help create war, kill, hate, judge and discriminate. - Anonymous
101. Isn’t it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too? - Douglas Adams

100 Simpsons quotes

1. Homer: D’oh.
2. Ralph: Me fail English? That’s unpossible.
3. Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”
4. Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
5. Troy McClure: Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!
6. Comic Book Guy: The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity…
7. Homer: Oh, so they have Internet on computers now!
8. Ned Flanders: I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!
9. Comic Book Guy: Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies.
10. Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.
11. Sideshow Bob: I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.
12. Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.
13. Nelson: Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!
14. Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*
15. Lionel Hutz: Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”
16. Comic Book Guy: Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
17. Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
18. Homer: Save me, Jeebus.
19. Mayor Quimby: I stand by my racial slur.
20. Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
21. Homer: You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
22. Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer?
23. Homer: Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!
24. Homer: Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
25. Homer: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?
26. Chief Wiggum: Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city!
27. Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.
28. Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything’s a sin. [holds up a Bible] Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom.
29. Homer: You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity.
30. Smithers: Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.”
31. Hans Moleman: I was saying “Boo-urns.”
32. Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
33. Homer: Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems.
34. Homer: When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
35. Chief Wiggum: I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
36. Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
37. Homer: Homer no function beer well without.
38. Duffman: Duffman can’t breathe! OH NO!
39. Grandpa Simpson: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
40. Homer: Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
41. Troy McClure: Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!”
42. Homer: A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.
43. Homer: Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
44. Homer: Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
45. Mr. Burns: I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
46. Kent Brockman: …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
47. Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
48. Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.
49. Homer: You don’t win friends with salad.
50. Mr. Burns: I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children.
51. Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?
52. Chief Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.
53. Mr. Burns: Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico?
54. Homer: He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?!
55. Comic Book Guy: But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life.
56. Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
57. Superintendent Chalmers: I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children…
58. Mr. Burns: What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man?
59. Homer: Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.
60. Ralph: Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours.
61. Homer: Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?
62. Frink: Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is… Love!? Who’s been screwing with this thing?
63. Apu: Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work.
64. Milhouse: We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.
65. Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
66. Homer: Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
67. Milhouse: Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish!
68. Homer: I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
69. Smithers: I’m allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die.
70. Barney: Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!
71. Principal Skinner: That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.
72. Sideshow Bob: Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!
73. Barney: Jesus must be spinning in his grave!
74. Superintendent Chalmers: “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.
75. Mr. Burns: [answering the phone] Ahoy hoy?
76. Comic Book Guy: Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that’s a *really* useful invention!
77. Marge: Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.
78. Homer: What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
79. Marge: Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train!
80. Bill Gates: I didn’t get rich by signing checks.
81. Principal Skinner: Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie.
82. Homer: Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.
83. Homer: And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.
84. Comic Book Guy: Human contact: the final frontier.
85. Homer: I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
86. Krusty the Clown: And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
87. Homer: I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.
88. Dr. Nick: Inflammable means flammable? What a country.
89. Homer: Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.
90. Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition.
91. Nelson: Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.
92. Krusty the Clown: Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…
93. Milhouse: I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency.
94. Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
95. Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
96. Apu: Thank you, steal again.
97. Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
98. Ed Begley Jr.: I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.
99. Bart: I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.
100. Homer: How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
101. Homer: Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.