| 50 Things That Only Ever Happen in the Movies |  |  |
1. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Then you’re in trouble
2. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris
3. Computer passwords are easy to crack - they are always the third thing you think of
4. When the hero and baddie finally meet, both guns are immediately lost and they’ll take it in turns to punch each other
5. All beds have special L-shaped sheets which reach to armpit level on women but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her
6. When listening back to answer phone messages, people will casually wander into the kitchen for the first two short messages, but run to the answer phone for the third call (mother/killer/dead friend etc)
7. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish
8. People deal with stressful, life threatening situations by making quick witted quips
9. No-one, but no-one uses Microsoft Windows – everyone uses unique operating systems. All of these computer systems, however mundane, are full of animated graphics and enormous download bars in the middle of the screen
10. When paying for a taxi, you don’t need to look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare
11. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected
12. It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” in telephone conversations. Also, if you’ve been disconnected it’s always worth frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?” repeatedly
13. If our hero gets into a fight, he will invariable end up with a small cut in the right corner of his mouth. He’ll make sure he wipes the blood on the back of his hand, and give it a disapproving look
14. Anyone can land a plane perfectly as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down
15. Sex is always begun in the missionary position and finished with the woman on top
16. Shots fired at people hiding around corners always strike the edge of the building exploding some brickwork near the character’s face
17. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees have been perched precariously on the dashboard
18. Being an aging detective and drinking whiskey alone in a bar makes you irresistible to women
19. If a good person dies with their eyes open, a friend will tenderly close them. If a villain dies with his eyes open the camera will linger on his face until just before the actor has to blink
20. Every single sporting event is won by the underdogs with a last second winner
21. All phone numbers, regardless of where they are, have the area code 555
22. When a plane is low on fuel, it helps to tap the fuel gauge – this even works on multi-million pound jet planes
23. Only men are alcoholics. But luckily, any alcoholic can quit drinking instantly when faced with an important challenge. Not only that, the instant he stops drinking, all his faculties return and he won’t suffer any withdrawal
24. Dogs always know who’s bad, and bark at them
25. All bombs have different coloured wires, so the hero can easily differentiate which one he needs to cut
26. If someone has “fixed” the foot-brakes in a car, the driver won’t use the hand-brake and gears to slow down – but proceeds to drive at high speed through a busy city
27. Anyone who sheepishly picks up a musical instrument and is humble about their ability can play like a professional
28. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will be able to dance and know all the steps
29. In a spaceship battles, weapons can only be fired when you are in visual range
30. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside any building you’re visiting
31. All things are bullet proof – cars, tables, other bodies etc
32. All police services (particularly in New York) have an unlimited supply of police cars. They also have the unluckiest (and worst trained) drivers, resulting in head on collisions, smashing parked cars, falling into water and of course the obligatory flying-roll, causing the car to land upside down and crushing the lights (with the siren fizzling out as if it’s run out of batteries)
33. Television news bulletins usually contain a story which affects you personally at the precise moment you turn it on – after which you turn the TV off.
34. During all police investigations it is obligatory to visit a strip club at least once
35. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. The only exception to this is if it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside, in which case you have to shoulder-barge it
36. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode
37. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, you don’t need to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers speak English to each other
38. Once applied, lipstick never rubs off. Even when scuba diving
39. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party)
40. When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises whilst wearing their most revealing underwear
41. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of a French loaf and fruit which is placed into two large, open brown paper bags
42. Don’t panic if you’re heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until it’s their turn to fight
43. Whenever a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback
44. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You will always find another one
45. All single women have a cat
46. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet
47. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged
48. If being chased through a city you can usually find cover in a passing carnival or parade
49. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than they have of killing him. Baddies and Henchmen have no gun training and fire in wild panic when confronted by the hero
50. All Englishmen are evil, but clever – but never actually clever enough to kill their nemesis though. Rather, they devise elaborate devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers, man-eating sharks etc
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