Saturday, 14 March 2009

Employee Handbook

  1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
  2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  3. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
  4. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
  5. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
  6. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
  7. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
  8. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
  9. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
  10. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
  11. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  12. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
  13. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
  14. Following the rules will not get the job done.
  15. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
  16. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
  17. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Management Lessons

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said,

"I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson:You don't need brains to be Boss. any asshole will do!

Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons:

  1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
  2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
  3. When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

More things you want to say

  1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
  2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
  3. Do I look like a fucking people person?
  4. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
  6. You! Off my planet!!
  7. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
  8. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
  9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
  10. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
  11. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
  12. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego ?
  13. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  14. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
  15. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
  16. Earth is full, Go home.

Things you wish you could say at work

  1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
  2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
  3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
  4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
  5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
  7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  8. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
  11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.v
  18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
  21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
  22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.
  23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
  25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
  27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!